Jonathan Begley

July 7, 2010


Filed under: Uncategorized — jonathanbegley @ 8:06 pm

Ten years since I graduated high school.  Like a blink of an eye, yet memories that will last a lifetime.  Moving away on my own, meeting my wife, pouring my life into the lives of abused children, graduating college, marriage, moving west, becoming a father.  These are some of the things I am most proud of, and after catching up with many of my buddies, I can honestly say I took the road less traveled.

Why then, do I constantly ponder “what could have been?”  Why do I constantly look for ways to rejoin the majority?  I have too much to live for to spend my life measuring succss against people I have little respect for.

I learned early on that the life of sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll wasn’t exactly for me.  Sure, I had some fun, but I also have countless regrets from those years of wandering.  And that’s exactly just what it was, wandering from place to place, job to job, relationship to relationship, while always focusing on keeping my mind as numb as possible.  It wasn’t for me.  Some people have what it takes to live productive, meaningful lives while at the same time striving for that “right” feeling.  Some people think they are better than they really are, and are seen by the rest of society as the “bottom of the barrel.”

For me, drugs and alcohol started too early, at a critical time in my life.  They awoke the demon of depression inside of me.  Do I believe that drugs and alcohol caused my depression?  No.  I remember signs of depression in my behavior during little league.  Bud they did open the door for this pitiful demon into my life, and it forever changed the way I see and deal with life. 

I call it a demon, not a disease.  It’s not that I don’t believe that there is a chemical imbalance in my brain; but because calling it a disease gives it too much credit.  It has no control over my life, only tricks of self-doubt, memories of failure, and illogical thinking, that I allow to effect me. 

It is time to realize the man I am, and the man I am not.  I am a man of integrity, a man of adventure, and a man devoted to his family.  I am a man always looking for ways to grow.  Shouldn’t role models in my life reflect those qualities?


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